He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
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