I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
