i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I am midnight drunk by noon
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A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
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Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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