i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
