Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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