there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
