two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
