once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
