All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
