my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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