Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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