I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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