Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
