Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
