Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
