Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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