I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
