I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize