I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
