I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Just pee around me
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
