cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Randomize
