it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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