Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Randomize
