Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
