"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
