last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
