Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
