Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
