hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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