the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
