Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I want to make a zoo with you.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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