Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
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I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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