I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
