i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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