Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
apparently the secret to your success is patron
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Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
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was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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