I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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