chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
