i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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