"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
