People in love make me want to vomit
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
