So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
