Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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