I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
