11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
