I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
