one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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