had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
