i need an iv and a liver transplant
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
