i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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