I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
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I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
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Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.