It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
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Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
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Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif