made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
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On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
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stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.