remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.