So drunk, too bad you don't want this
We got so high we made milksteak
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
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You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
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Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.