Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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