The answer is no. Its an illegal search n seizure!
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Randomize
