she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
